i miss you...

nothing much to say....
nothing much to think....

i so damn, freaking, insane miss you!

I MISS YOU B!

happy 71sth monthsarry myBanako...

To someone who is so special...

you made my life so doomed.
you always made me cry.
you made me guilty at times even though it's not my fault.
you always made me worry about you when you will not inform me what you're doing or how are you..
you made me jealous about you.
you made everything so miserable.
you made me so depressed....

what the heck I'm saying...

that will gonna happen to me if you'll be out of my life...
Everything about you is so wonderful, that I miss you not because of I did not treasure each moments with you but rather I miss you because I never been happier in my life when you're just around.

Each day spent with you is the happiest day of my life that, I keep on wishing hope it'll not end. I end up always anticipating the day on when will talk again and be with each others' arms again. Despite the distance, the hell, you still can break my heart but still the only person who can fix it. I might be sad sometimes or depress for not having you around but you manage to lighten my day and made me happy though it means I only got to see you through cam. It really doesn't matter where we are, the distance, for I know we both have the same hearts, SAME HEARTS, SAME FEELINGS, SAME LEVEL of LOVE that I know will conquer each odds.

You're positive way of thinking made me appreciate you more and made me think positively too, though I know at times, I think bad. My source of strength is YOU, that each day thinking about you is better place to live and a happy day to look forward.

I just can't deny how in love I am with you as I truly, definitely and pretty do. I know it's obvious this love I have for you but I want to tell you so many times and never get tired saying and letting this to you that "you are love so much by me, kulit".

I can't wait the day, when I'll be with you. Can touch you, hug you, share smile with you and just be near with you. I can't wait the day when I'll wake up with a smile on my face for I know you're next to me smiling also. I can't wait to date you forever and ever that nobody will scold us for we don't come home.

I simply can't wait to be with you & fulfill our plans, our dreams and our future together...

iL0veyousomuchmyBanako & i always will...

Hope to be with you soon..mwah..


iL0vey0usomuchmyBanako..mwah...




L0ve L0ts,
kulit, your asawa

hoping, praying, wishing and looking forward to be with You again...

the one who love more

For the past few days of not feeling well and having myself back. I'm doom again to this unbearable feeling of missing someone so much. I just can't help it, like can't help myself from thinking of him. From the moment that the sun rise and wake up from heavy sleep I can then think of him. His face will just then pop up from that same old place that occupy my mind and my heart for the very long time while staring at the ceiling to absorb myself that I'm already awake. Then, my day starts thinking I can survive this long day and wishing his there with me. Go on with my daily routine on what I have for the day. Sometimes, we will go online and we chat and talk for a while and this will somehow cover up the loneliness and somehow will help me go through the day.

And at the middle of the day or at the end of the day, still my mind is lingering to every thought of him. Whether I'm on the jeepney going to work, or while eating my lunch in the pantry or just about to sleep. I always have my phone with me, checking on him from time to time or shall I say include him to whatever activities I have. When I'm about to sleep, I usually put my cellphone on an upright position just to see his YM ID flash on the monitor and bid my goodnights and found myself talking to my phone. Yeah, it might sound crazy but this is what I do each and everyday/every night. Even I know he'll not go online but this keep me sane, this keep me think his always part of me no matter where or when.

Whatever my mood is for the day, I can't cease to keep my mind from thinking of him and my heart from wanting him each day with me. I can sometimes pondered that there are two individuals in a relationship. The one who love more and the one who receive the love more. And I can't deny I'm the first person. Well, his deserving for this love I have. I was once, the one who received the love more and the one who easily give up then let go and move on like nothing happens. Its just one day everything turns upside down. And how everything, change me into someone that is stronger and capable of understanding more, loving more and capable of holding on more.

I was really afraid to love more, to give everything I have and let someone know th real me. But the moment that it hits me, there I go. Giving up and providing everything for this special someone I choose to live my life for eternity or shall I say as long as I live. He hold the key to my heart. No one could ever unlock it. There might be some other things that are inevitable and we can never tell. However, I believe that we are bound for each other. Destined to be one. Fate allow our path to cross.

Though I love more and know that I'm vulnerable to pain more. I'm really such a weakling especially on the matter of my emotions and feelings are concerned. Plus him... No matter how illogical and irrational I might be sometimes in showing him how much i love him, that is just ME. Falling so deeply in love with him.

i miss you so much myBanako..mwah..

I was afraid to love more but what can I do. It hits me, and the only choice I have is to love you and love you more each day. Choice that I so love to do everyday.

iL0vey0usomuchmyBanako..mwah...




L0ve L0ts,
kulit, your asawa

hoping, praying, wishing and looking forward to be with You again...

back to normal...

I'm about to sleep but might as well share the happy feeling I feel right now. The feeling that I so wanted to feel each day, for it can make me go through the day and can survive no matter how day started and how day ends. I'm not feeling well this past few days as what you can read on my previous post. Right now, whew! I have my smile back .__. the smile that don't have any heavy head nor heart. No pretensions at all. Like, whew... I'm fine. I'm back to normal again. It's like I breath fresh air again, that my lungs were cleansed with the new fresh air that I take in. It's like yeah!. wohooo!!.. rock on.. kulit rulsz! \m/ feeling. It's like I feel so beautiful despite the big eye bags I have under my eyes. It's like, just an ordinary day turn out a special day. It's really good to have myself back. I miss having this feeling, when I'm not in the mood it seems I have those bad feelings for centuries that I don't have the idea how the bloody hell, the were able to capture me.

I guess, I'm just imperfectly human. Have feelings. Feelings that sometimes you can't deny that you can never neglect. Any how, it really felt good I have myself back. Still whole, though there are already scars but the most important thing is I still have myself and myBanako of course, and God also. I like much what I feel right now, that I can sleep with tears not cause with sorrows or pains that I felt on the past few days but with happiness and joy you felt. I hope I can continue to feel this way.

Thank you myBanako, for being there. For helping me. I'm really having a hard time making myself back to normal. It's not the same when I know and feel I have you. Thank you so much, for everything and for understanding. Please keep on holding me myBanako though I acted stupid and crazy at times.

iLoveyousomuchmyBanako.. mwah.. i miss you terribly...
Good night and I'll met you in dreamland.

You still bring the best out of me even my smile... d: )



L0ve L0ts,
kulit, your asawa

hoping, praying, wishing and looking forward to be with You again...

sweet misery

I am not really feeling well this days. It's like I'm tearing apart. I'm broken. Everything around me irritates me. It made me hate everything. It made me questions on things and couldn't find any answers. I wanna scream and shout and let everybody know how it is so hard to be like this. Like you wanted something but don't know how to get it or don't have any choice on achieving it. It's like your dying to be with someone but don't know how for time and distance are separating you apart. I don't have any choice at all in getting what I want. I just couldn't take it anymore the things that I'm thinking. I wanted him to understand things but he have his own business to think about. I don't wanna add up or put more pressures to him, but that's what I'm doing. I couldn't just pretend and let him feel that I'm Okay for surely, he knows me better than anyone else. I just can't smile and lift him up when I'm tearing apart inside. I can't just give him comfort when in the first place I need him to comfort me, comfort me like a baby. I can't just understand him when I'am too broken to understand myself first. And nor that I can't just neglect this all when it's killing me inside. Occupying every corner of my brain, eating it all up. All I wanna do these days is cry, cry, cry and cry 'till I can cry no more. Until my eyes have no more tears to fall. I know this is not healthy of me, but what can I do. Pretend to smile? Pretend to enjoy? Pretend to have fun? that's foolishness. For I tried it, I really tried my very best. The best of the best that I can give just as to pretend to be happy, to try to forget everything. But the feeling makes it worst inside of me. Here I am in the corner of my room, with tears falling while writing this. I wanna be okay. I wanna be back to my normal self, for I know right now I'm in my second worst self. The second worst feeling I can feel.

I know, his up to something these days but I just do hope he can help me back to my normal self. I know his affected with these all damn feelings I have and I'm so sorry for that myBanako from the bottom of my broken heart. I feel guilty about with me also and one day, I can make it up to you. I'm so soory for being like this. You are just the only person that I know can feel and understand on what's happening to me. You are the only person that I know I can run to without pretensions. The only person whom I know can help me back to my own self.

its just that...

I need you...

Sorry for needing you this much, I'll try to help myself with the very best of best I can. I'm still not getting used without you, no matter how hard I tried practicing it. I can make it perfect. Maybe one day, one day. *sigh* d:(

I love you still though... as n much.. mwaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh :*

The night that was....

The night that was...

So, what really happenned last night, why did I cry myself to sleep? Nothing much really but the fact that I think I can't take it anymore.

I wake up with a headache for I was not able to sleep well last night. I was crying my heart out. My sister, was still awake when I arrived home and she then, have a lil chit-chat with me on my room while playing with ace. We then talked for a while about boys, about him and about this feeling I have. But I didn't cry infront of her, for I don't want her to have any idea that I'm really having difficulty with the situation I have now with him. I was pretending to be cool.

After which, I pretended to be asleep for she is still playing with Ace but then, the real truth. I was crying myself to sleep. Even in the office, during my 1 hour break, there are bunch of gays practicing and laughigh but I don't even have the courage to lift my lips to smile. For what I wanna do is cry but trying to stop it coz' I don't want anybody will notice it... the heck, I'm writing my emotion right now... d:(

I was crying 'til I was able to sleep, the result I woke up with a headache.

Nothing had happenned why I cried. It's just that I felt needing him last night most, but he was not able to go online. (already know the reason, but I understand and pretended to not understood it)

I just don't know how I'll control all this mixed emotions and all the question I have. Then, pretend is fine. Pretend everything are alright. I wished I'm like anybody that can just pretend & hide the pains through the smiles especially with him. For I know I'm putting pressures on him and hopefuly *crossingmyfingers* he will understand what I went through. It's just that its so really hard, to wake up each day where you just imagined him also next to you. It's really hard to comfort all yourself without him by my side, comforting me when I needed him too. It's so hard to just close my eyes and imagine him hugging me like it has never happenned.

I know this is just a test of time. I know, but its hard... huuhuhuh... d:(

But still, I don't have a choice. We are separated with time and distance. He is millions apart from me right now.

No choice, even how tired and how much I feel giving up. At the end of the day I'll still find myself falling inlove with him more & more each day...

I just wanna be with YOU....

I just wanna be with him.

I just wanna be with YOU...

This is the song I kept on playing after I woke up with a heavy head

for I'm having a headache this morning.

Headache due to I cry myself to sleep last night. The story of my the night that was on the next post.

I just wanna be with you myBanako. I'm missing you so terribly.

Vanessa Hudgens - Just Wanna Be With You ft. Lucas Gabreel, Zac Efron

(Ryan) Mmm...I got a lot of things
I have to do
All these distractions
Our future is coming soon
We're being pulled
(Ryan and Chelsea) A hundred different directions
(Ryan) But whatever happens
(Ryan and Chelsea) I know I've got you

(Ryan) You're on my mind
You're in my heart
(Ryan and Chelsea) It doesn't matter where we are
(Ryan) We'll be alright
Even if we're
(Ryan and Chelsea) Miles apart

(Chorus, Troy and Gabriella) All I wanna do
Is be with you, be with you
There's nothing we can't do
I just wanna be with you, only you
No matter where life takes us
Nothing can break us apart
(Troy) (You know it's true)
I just wanna be with you

(Troy) You know how life can be
It changes over night
(Troy and Gabrialla)It's not even raining
But it's alright

(Gabriella) A friend like you
(Troy and Gabriella) Always makes it easy
(Troy) I know that you give me
(Both) Every time

(Both) Through every up
Through every down
You know I'll always be around
Through anything you can count on me

(Chorus, Troy and Gabriella) All I wanna do
Is be with you, be with you
There's nothing we can't do
I just wanna be with you, only you
No matter where life takes us
Nothing can break us apart
(Troy) (You know it's true)
I just wanna be with you

(Both) I just wanna be with you