back on track...

" Love is missing someone whenever you're apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you're close in heart. "

I'm back on track. The things I'm dealing with is already resolved. Though, I can't put into details those things but I'm much happier that everything went out just fine. Ohh, how much I miss this blog. But I'm back on track now, so blogspot don't you worry anymore. I'll be updating you. *give virtual hug to blogspot* as if I could feel your hug. hehehee

So, this is actually a late post for the image. I edited the text last February 12 in preparation for Hearts Day 2010. This is how I spent days before Hearts Day, making pictotext, editing pics and thinking of things that I can give to him. Everything I do will always be for him.

Haven't get over with Hearts Day yet? harhar... 8888D *insert face filled with utmost glee here*

Anyways, I'm back on track. I feel happy. Happily inlove to be specific. Happy in love to the same guy for 6 years and almost 2 months. Is this what they call true love? Falling in love with the same person again, again, again, and again like you feel it will take a lifetime to have this feeling? 

Maybe, that is why in marriage its requires true love. For you will spend your whole life/lifetime to only one person and that needs falling in love again to the same person. :)

Gggrr, I'm out of the topic already. Carried away with what I feel. Nevertheless, I wish and hope and pray and pray that this feeling won't last. And still wishing, hoping and praying and praying that I'll be with him sooner. Really can't wait to be with him, back to where I belong. Back to where my heart will find true happiness, back to where my home is, and it is in his loving arms.

iloveyousomuchmyBanako..mwaah... ♥♥♥

i'll miss you....

will stop updating this blog for couple of days or weeks or idk idontknow as to when I'll be back.... there are just things that I'm busy dealing with.... for now, you may check my tumbleblog , 'Anything about kULiT ^.^' . There you might find some updates about me. But surely, I'll damn miss updating this blogspot account, this is one of my treasure.

So long, blogspot. This is not goodbye and definitely I'll be back. Pray for me that I'll be back soooner...

mwaaah... thank you for letting me share all my treasured memories. I'll miss you.

the very same day

"Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again"

Came from my 1 hour lunch break. I had a lil-chitchat with my lunch buddy, Au2x. Then, I remembered. I remembered that today happens to be one of the saddest day of my life. First is, each day without him. No wonder, I felt not good today. I'm having a heavy heart, at the same time emptiness inside.

I remembered last year.
It was a gloomy day.
It actually rained like clouds and the sun felt what I'm feeling.
It was that day, when I had 3 straight days CWS and 7 straight days of work.
It was that day, when I don't know how  I'll survived even just a day.
It was that day, that I only want to think of Nothing but my brain is not my best ally.
It was that day, when our dreams will slowly fulfilled but need to sacrifice our time together.
It was also that day, for the very first time ever I went to an Airport.
It was that day, when I got to spend my time with him together with his family and our friends.
It was that day, when I got to spend my half day with him.
It was that day, when I'll know I need to be stronger each day for I'll be facing one of the greatest fear of my life : being ALONE.
It was that day, when I last saw his smiles, last time I felt his touch, last time I felt his hug and the last time I heard him whisper 'iloveyou' and never had the idea when will be the next time I'm able to have him close.

It was that day, when I realized that his inside that plane. Moving away from us, from me that I just caught myself realizing how lonely, how awful it felt to know someone special is leaving.

Whewww!!!... I can just sigh and tell to myself that I was a non-believer before of LDR but right now. I seem to have much faith on it. Time passed by so quickly. It's already a year, I can still tell every detailed that happened as of this very moment on the very same day last year. It seems the weather right now felt what I'm feeling. It's gloomy outside also, just like on that same day last year, but unlike last year definitely, it'll not gonna rain as I can no longer cry as much as I want to. For tears no longer permit there-selves to fall.

For a long empty and lonely year, without him. I'm thinking of the changes starting from that same day 'till now. Have I changed? Is there any changes at all? Is there any difference? What I feel for him? How much I love him? How much I wanted to be with him each moment of my life?

It makes no difference, distance makes no difference. It doesn't change anything. His actually right, 'Loving you from a distance makes no difference. Only that I miss you so much' and that's exactly how I can tell what I felt in one sentence. I'm still in-love with him & still waiting. Waiting & hoping that this same day today, will never ever gonna happen again but instead will be replaced with each-day-waking-up-with-him and spending-each-of-my-days-with-him.

I miss you myBanako!. mwah

iL0veyousomuchmyBanako..mwaaah..

distance makes no difference

 

" Loving you from a distance makes no difference. Only that, I so miss you much. "

Had a lil-chit chat with myBanako last night. After he arrived from work, & saw this picture before he arrived. So, I somewhat decided to edit it. tanndaaann!!! his & my version. I actually asked him for a simple quote that will simply remind him if he'll see the picture. Thus, he created one. hehehe charotsz ayo bah!!! 

But anyways, thank you myBanako... There's no difference weather you're near to hold or out of my reach. I still madly, deeply in love with you. The same guy, who captures my heart & it's definitely YOU... 

iLOveyousomuchmyBanako..mwaaah..

Thank you....

 

Photo Credit : Thank You

I just wanted to say "Thank You" to the same guy who let me fall inlove all over again.

It's nice being happy. It's nice how happiness just rule your entire system. No worries, no problems. Hakuna Matata!!! free from all worries....that's what happiness brings me today.

 ...

I woke up around 5:55pm earlier. Tried to do things, post process pictures but can't finish it or I don't have the urge to finish it. Getting lazy I guess & was having a head ache. Tried to take some nap but my mind is preoccupied.

Og g.brown.out!!! haaaayyyyyyy........

So decided to just wake up, eat dinner, take a bath and about to prepare myself  for work. When I then feel, this emotional depression thinggy again. I share to my journal the feeling however, crashed it all out and write instead happy moments. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I just wanted to be happy. So I should start the night right, but still can't deny that even though I wrote happy thoughts and things in my journal my face brings the opposite of it. I lay in my room for a couple of minutes, staring at the ceiling blankly, blink my eyes 'til then I noticed  moist running out both from my eyes down to my cheek!!! arggggh!!! not again... kapoia njd wui!!! My face is so gloomy as I step outside from my room and I'm so irritated and all. I can't even dare a smile. I was confused and lost again. haaay, the never ending confusion and getting lost of myself. My mom and my sister can't even talk to me without me getting irritated.

My sister ask : "g.away npd mo?"
Ako : wla man!!!!....
Her: cge kag in.ana mo tigowang kah!!!
Ako: no comment!!! 

but I'm thankful that there's no electricity for my eyes are getting moist again. For what I really felt is missing someone so much, needing him beside me right at that very moment. I so wanted to share to them, how hard it is but decided not to and keep it to myself and pretend to be irritated and all....

As I was about to go outside and on my way to work...og sa dihang ni cga btaw ang suga!!!!..hahahaha... then, that's how my happy moment started. I then, went back to my room. Boot ACE and connect to net then 1.2.3. I'm ONLINE in YM & SKYPE.... and got to see him... hhaaaaaaaayyyyyy!!!! *sigh

Even I know, I'll be late at work but I still have the chance to be with him for just 10 mins. 10 mins that entirely change my mood. From gloomy face to giving my best smile. No pretensions. I was able to give my best smile and really felt light. I felt so happy. Happy that he's there with me. Happy that somehow he felt that I need him that I need him for me to give my best smile. So, happy in love. And here I go again, falling all over again to the same guy. I'm so happily in love with him. haaaay B wui, love au tka og mingaw na au ko nmo...

So I was late for work 7mins late to be exact, but happily in love. & wanted to say "Thank you a million times myBanako for bringing the best out of me especially my smile"...

iL0vey0usomuchmyBanako..mwaaah.....

I miss you so much myBanako..mwaaah..

Journey of one's self...

“nothing is worth having if it comes so easy...” 

The journey of one's self...

Last night, I was on SL due to personal reason. And  I'm needing him that much. I need him to stay longer & talk to me or if possible have a lil chit-chat with corny jokes for really I'm feeling so lonely even I was just at home. I was begging him to stay longer but he need to sleep for it's almost 1am in his end. It's not like in the Phils. that it's just 8 in the evening.

This is one hell adjustment of LDR. When you need your partner in your side to comfort you and feel his warmth hug and cuddles. I know it's not possible but at least he was there talking to me on skype.

I was having hard time to sleep, to deal with the loneliness, to deal with my emotions. I need him that much last night but it should not continue for I know my life is not about dealing with all the emotions in the world. My life has to deal with all other things in which I need to face it with chin-up.

Last night, before my subconscious eats my whole system and take me to my dreamland, where me lying or cuddling in his arms. I then recall, the plans I had before. I remembered that I wanna do it, one day. Like, go to familiar places, common places we used to date. Where we used to create memories or reminisce memories. Where we can just be ourselves, no worries, no problems and nothing to think about than just the two US spending each moments of our life.

Thus, I wanna conquer the biggest fear of my life. Being ALONE, going to places that reminds me of him and tearing/killing/drowning myself to loneliness 'til I'm getting used to it that I can leave by the pain that brought with it. Plus without telling anyone, not even Him. Before I think of this, but so scared to do it alone, for I don't know how, what will I do or what shall I feel. But as I wake up this morning, there's this urge to do it. To conquer this, to face everything alone, to keep running in comforting myself when he's not there to comfort me.

I was doubtful early this morning that I can do it. It was so difficult to step outside from our house and go where my feet will take me. It was hard to think that I know he's not waiting to any place I have in mind which I want to go. But still I wanted to go. The urge was stronger. The need was stronger. So I step out of the house and thinking : give yourself a break kulit. You know you can. Be free from all worries and lets go, will have a date.

Yeaaaahh!!!.... I was scared at first for thinking what shall I do? Where should I go first? But, weeeee..... there I go, free as a bird, riding jeepney's to and fro. Unwinding myself, which means to me finding familiar places which will remind me of him. Which I know that he exist, that we exist before on those places.

Time Started: 10 am... this is it kULiT!!!

First stop : Visit close person in our hearts.

Got to visit my papa, my lola & lolo, his lolo as well.

plus: hapit2x sa kilid!!!...

Before heading North, LUNCH TIME AT Jobi Lilo-an...

Second stop: Got to visit the place where we spend our first months, monthsarries,birthdays, anniversaries or any random dates or occasions. The original place where we love star gazing but too bad, can't do star gazing for I know I can't be home too late still have duty tonight.

Third stop: Got to visit where we usually love star gazing  2nd place where we love to hang out and just hang out anytime of the day usually after class during college days. huhuhuhu, I really miss this one... star gazing and tsecrettt... hehehe

Time Ended: 4:45 pm... happy to go home!!!!

Whew, what a day I had earlier. And it's nice to know that I was able to made it, without crying my heart out. I simply just spend my day unwinding especially on the third place where I miss the most. Where I got to let all my fears out, all bad thoughts and keep myself stronger. I made it. I didn't keep on looking for him not even miscall for I simply want to have him a day out of any problems that I caused him these past few days or months. For all the worries I brought to him.

I feel so new about myself. So satisfied with all things that happened today, with all the places that I went to. I feel that I can conquer each odds, each loneliness alone. I feel stronger that I was able to visit each places which reminds me of him without crying my heart out for I know his there with me also, here in my heart.

Honestly, though I was alone. I didn't feel lonely at all...

iL0vey0usomuchmyBanako..mwaaahh....

worst self

 I was so freaking out a while ago... contrary on what I feel on the 20th. now, I'm drained and freaking so tired. I know I'm such a stupid big spoiled brat & when i have my temper it so hard to control it... tantrums overrule me & can't think anything right or good.

People just don't have any idea how I'll freak out. You have this feeling like you wanna punch the wall so hard that you don't care your hands will get bruised...like you wanna throw all things you hold and don't care you'll get hurt... like you just wanna cry buckets and buckets of tears... like you're in your peak of anger that made your breathing so hard and your BP so high (even tore the the picture I posted in the wall)....I admit, I was like this beyond words could ever describe.

Once I'm so damn mad, so damn freaking out, so damn have this tantrums it would surely the hell out of me to ever so control it... no matter how I tried, it just it's so hard...

I just want it to burst out, let it all go...and cried....screaaaaaaammmmm.....

I was like this a while ago... or before and still now can quite change how I cope up if I get hurt...

Maybe, its just so me...but the worst me... & one thing that can trigger it is getting so badly really badddllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hurt...

I know it's kinda bad & really need to change it & I'm dealing with it as hard as I can. I am a transparent individual, what ever I'm feeling it affects what will happen for my entire day. And so, I need to be fine to go on...and move on, thus, one person can help me move on and be ok.  The same person who hurt me so bad. The same person who he said : "he created a monster". The same person who will let me cry buckets of tears. Yeah, it sound I'm so dependent & that explains the other story of my life that made me so hard to adjust for the couple of months for his so far away.

His words are just so powerful that it heals my broken heart.

His smile is so angelic that I know for sure I'll be back in the right way.

His invisible arms that I know are hugging me tight ,comforting me and assuring me that he'll be there for me not leaving me while I'm dealing with my worst self.

He know exactly how to make me feel ok and back to my normal self. No matter how I cried bucket of tears earlier before going to work, he managed to make me ok. He still does, and that quite made me happy for I know he'll still be the guy I choose to see my worst self and still be the guy I wanna spend with my normal and loving self.

Thank you for the patience and understanding myBanako... You deserve all my love. mwah

 iLOveyousomuchmyBanako..mwaaah..

3 REST DAYS

haaay, It's been the 3rd day. 3 straight days haven't see him online (what I mean, OL with cams) though he will log in like at 9pm there or around 5pm here in the Cebu. But sadly, I'm in my work and can't just adjust nor find a way to go online where I can see him. Luckily got my uzzap still working, at least we have time to talk but not see each other. I so miss him, as in so much...

I tried waking up as early as I can than the usual days I woke up, wishing he'll go online and thinking he want to see me also. But I think it's just my imagination acting up a bit.Maybe he's just too busy on something or there's just too much work to do or maybe enjoying the 3 days RD. I just don't know what he is up to right now but I need not to freak out as I promised him, I need to think that no matter what happen everything is just fine, just like normal days. But this is not normal, I feel so awful. Normal days is going online talkin' and seeing him.

I need to lessen some things (love, care, attention) , lengthen my patience & understand. Give him a break for this is what he need, as he kept on saying. Thus, I'm trying to give it to him though I suck at this for my heart want him always, need him like I've never needed anyone in my life before.

I can't deny that my days are incomplete without seeing him. My days are so damn awful when I can't hear anything from  him. My days are so sad & lonely without the thoughts of him and those are killing me deep inside. Those 3 days that he's out of my sight is like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. I've been trying to look for him everywhere, even locking my eyes to his FB profile, browsing his pictures, reading his messages again and again but it can't seem to heal my longing heart. It so different when I'm able to see him through skype cam & chat with him in yahoo messenger or used gmail for me to see him clearly. It's different when I got to see his smiles just only for me. It's so different to hear him when he'll said "i love you kulit". It's so different when I got to see how he yawn when his sleepy for we've been talking for hours. It's so different when he'll make fun of his self or crack silly jokes so that I can laugh my heart out. It's so different when I know you're just there on the other side looking at me. Whew! I really wanna cry...dom dom dom dom... & all I'm thinking is it's my choice to get affected so I shouldn't get affected. I shouldn't!!! (but my heart is already whipping sadly)

I need to focus on making myself happy now even if it means without seeing him for the next couple of days. argh! or I need not to freak out and have patience that high so that I'll not going to get mad and start a fight.

I just remembered one line from Ms. Sheryl : "If mo.online, maayo. If dli mo.online, kevs wui!!!"

so kevs jd!!!

bound to wait

thinking with the days that passed....................

and oh!...days passed by so quickly.. you can't just notice it, i guess. for my life right now is bound to wait. and the more, i think of waiting, the more wreck and the more insane i become. i just couldn't let a day pass without getting crazy for waiting specially with some not-so-good factors that includes in waiting. i don't wanna wait in vain and I do hate waiting since ever since I know how vast life is. if i want something, i want to have it like RIGHT NOW. I'm always like that. And life is not about getting all you want right away, you need to wait for the right time for there is a right time for anything, everything or every dreams that will come true. And I'm just one hell damn s* stupid girl, for not believing in that. And right now, is my test. argh!. My test is so damn difficult. i hate it.. i hate it much.. i so damn hate it... but what can I do?

my thought will still be back to a no choice answer and that's : WAIT...

For true love can wait, even if it takes forever... forever? oh!.so damn, take my life now... that can't be... but I know & I must believe that everything will fall into place, everything will be fine, HIM and ME will be back in each others arms again. All I just need to keep in mind and do is HOLD ON, FIGHT THE LONELINESS & WAIT...

December 4

Its already....hmmmm, let me check the calendar what day is it already. *checkingmylaptopcalendar

Oh!. its alreday December 4, just how many days for Christmas or my Special Day. Honestly, don't want to think about it. Don't want to think of anything. I just want to think of NOTHING. Nothing that could somehow hide this holiday blues that I'm feeling. I know I can't just avoid parties for it's December and there will be like 2 parties that I should attend. First, Company part. Second, Team Party. But I wanna think that I attend not because of celebrating the holidays but just attending for it is required/needed. I'm needed to be there, like a prerequisite subject. Haaay, how I wish and wish and wish that I can just sleep all throughout the year and wake up 'till he come back. Will that be possible?

I need you, I need you...this is killing me especially this coming holiday. But I have and need to continue living for you. I have to...

i need you, i need you...more & more each day

back to normal...

I'm about to sleep but might as well share the happy feeling I feel right now. The feeling that I so wanted to feel each day, for it can make me go through the day and can survive no matter how day started and how day ends. I'm not feeling well this past few days as what you can read on my previous post. Right now, whew! I have my smile back .__. the smile that don't have any heavy head nor heart. No pretensions at all. Like, whew... I'm fine. I'm back to normal again. It's like I breath fresh air again, that my lungs were cleansed with the new fresh air that I take in. It's like yeah!. wohooo!!.. rock on.. kulit rulsz! \m/ feeling. It's like I feel so beautiful despite the big eye bags I have under my eyes. It's like, just an ordinary day turn out a special day. It's really good to have myself back. I miss having this feeling, when I'm not in the mood it seems I have those bad feelings for centuries that I don't have the idea how the bloody hell, the were able to capture me.

I guess, I'm just imperfectly human. Have feelings. Feelings that sometimes you can't deny that you can never neglect. Any how, it really felt good I have myself back. Still whole, though there are already scars but the most important thing is I still have myself and myBanako of course, and God also. I like much what I feel right now, that I can sleep with tears not cause with sorrows or pains that I felt on the past few days but with happiness and joy you felt. I hope I can continue to feel this way.

Thank you myBanako, for being there. For helping me. I'm really having a hard time making myself back to normal. It's not the same when I know and feel I have you. Thank you so much, for everything and for understanding. Please keep on holding me myBanako though I acted stupid and crazy at times.

iLoveyousomuchmyBanako.. mwah.. i miss you terribly...
Good night and I'll met you in dreamland.

You still bring the best out of me even my smile... d: )



L0ve L0ts,
kulit, your asawa

hoping, praying, wishing and looking forward to be with You again...

sweet misery

I am not really feeling well this days. It's like I'm tearing apart. I'm broken. Everything around me irritates me. It made me hate everything. It made me questions on things and couldn't find any answers. I wanna scream and shout and let everybody know how it is so hard to be like this. Like you wanted something but don't know how to get it or don't have any choice on achieving it. It's like your dying to be with someone but don't know how for time and distance are separating you apart. I don't have any choice at all in getting what I want. I just couldn't take it anymore the things that I'm thinking. I wanted him to understand things but he have his own business to think about. I don't wanna add up or put more pressures to him, but that's what I'm doing. I couldn't just pretend and let him feel that I'm Okay for surely, he knows me better than anyone else. I just can't smile and lift him up when I'm tearing apart inside. I can't just give him comfort when in the first place I need him to comfort me, comfort me like a baby. I can't just understand him when I'am too broken to understand myself first. And nor that I can't just neglect this all when it's killing me inside. Occupying every corner of my brain, eating it all up. All I wanna do these days is cry, cry, cry and cry 'till I can cry no more. Until my eyes have no more tears to fall. I know this is not healthy of me, but what can I do. Pretend to smile? Pretend to enjoy? Pretend to have fun? that's foolishness. For I tried it, I really tried my very best. The best of the best that I can give just as to pretend to be happy, to try to forget everything. But the feeling makes it worst inside of me. Here I am in the corner of my room, with tears falling while writing this. I wanna be okay. I wanna be back to my normal self, for I know right now I'm in my second worst self. The second worst feeling I can feel.

I know, his up to something these days but I just do hope he can help me back to my normal self. I know his affected with these all damn feelings I have and I'm so sorry for that myBanako from the bottom of my broken heart. I feel guilty about with me also and one day, I can make it up to you. I'm so soory for being like this. You are just the only person that I know can feel and understand on what's happening to me. You are the only person that I know I can run to without pretensions. The only person whom I know can help me back to my own self.

its just that...

I need you...

Sorry for needing you this much, I'll try to help myself with the very best of best I can. I'm still not getting used without you, no matter how hard I tried practicing it. I can make it perfect. Maybe one day, one day. *sigh* d:(

I love you still though... as n much.. mwaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh :*

Loving despite the imperfections...

I'm at work, doing the usual thing... taking calls and calls and fetching emails and emails, and my awaking-outlet *thethingsthatkeepsmeawake@work* are jumping from one blog to another, and reading a lot of forums and drop by to one site to another. Hey! of course, for I'll be facing this square-faced-thing (computer) for 8 hours.

Nevertheless, as I was busy from reading blogs and blogs of other person. As I finished, my new entry for my tumbleblog account 'kulit's tumbleblog'. I happened to drop by this blog, in which he copied the entry of Bo Sanchez blog and paste it in his blog. The good thing about it, he added the source...

so there I am.. do a lot of reading, reading, and nod for I can relate much on the things that was said by Bo Sanchez, Eugenio Isabelo Tomas Reyes Sanchez Jr. or widely known as Bo Sanchez is an author, entrepreneur, video podcaster, tv personality and Roman Catholic lay evangelist in the Philippines.

The entry was about: "Stop Trying To Fix People".. just click the link and read the whole content directly from Mr. Bo Sanche'z blog.

It simply talks, about comparing our beloved ones to someone who's perfect and someone who doesn't exist. Even though how much we love them, it seems what they do for us are not enough. It's like were asking for more from our love ones. You should do this, do that, you could have do this, do that, I wish you're like this and you're like that.... Mr. Sanchez's blog talks all about this and let the reader, stop and think and nod then say 'Oh yeah!. it's true'.

And I admit, I'm like that. Maybe, I shall used "I was like that' (better to used the word 'was' for I feel I have the chance to change). I tend to nag or argue to myBanako about how he showed things to me, how he let me feel that I am loved by him and how his time was never enough for me. I never realized until now, that I was not appreciating him with every things he do for me but instead I was looking and focusing on the other not-good-side part of it. But then, I realized now what he really meant before when he said:

'i love you with my own ways, not yours'...

and definitely, his showing it to me but I was too busy and too selfish on focusing the lacking part or the missing part, the do-this and the do-thats. My bad, how I wish I can then turn back time and correct those things. Nevertheless, you can't turn back time but instead what I have is not to repeat those things again and move on, move forward.

It's never too late to realize and correct things.

I'm still grateful as ever for having you in my life myBanako. Sorry for the things before, sorry for the things that I was asking before in which I realized now that was too much... Don't worry, the next time around I'll not ask for more but instead I'll asked you to just keep on loving me with your own imperfectly-perfect way... especially with this imperfections I have.

iL0vey0usomuchmyBanako..mwaah..

still do love you soooooooo much....

... thoughts...

i woke up with having still the thoughts of him.... It's already my habit, waking up in the morning and thanking God for still giving me the chance to wake up and think of him.

It's no ordinary day, than having him with ME, physically or emotionally.
Its been 258 days, 17 hours, 39 minutes and 11 seconds or 8 months, 16 days, 17 hours, 39 minutes, 11 seconds. *calculated the date on a particular site,hehe*

Whew! that's way too long already that I haven't touch him, nor hug him nor just hear his breath. I can't deny that I'm going so crazy with this loneliness, but what can I do than just enjoy life as much as I can for I know sooner will be back in each other arms again *kulitcrosessfingers*. I'm pretty sure positive about it and can't wait when.

And for now, I'll never get tired wishing, thinking, praying and looking forward to be next to him the s00oooOOoooonesst possible. <3 id="gwProxy" type="hidden">

PAST do not define the FUTURE...

I admit I have flaws..
I have s0 many insecurities and issues.. in life and in me...
I'm n0t a perfect girl as 0thers may think I Am.
I'm stubborn and rude.
I want my 0wn ways always.
I understand but tend t0 n0t understand. I'am such a risk taker.
I d0n't care and d0n't mind what 0ther thinks.
I feel worthless and feel pity to myself.

There still m0re 0f negative attitude I c0mp0se 0f.
And f0r all i kn0w the r0ot 0f it defines what happened in my past.
I was blaming my past f0r what I Am n0w.
It was s0 hard when I think 0f what life will I have instead 0f playing ar0und with 0ther kids. Instead 0f thinking 0n l0lip0ps, ice creams nd n0 clases..

And there I was, thinking h0w will I be happy with it, h0w will I live with it and h0w will I forget all of it.

My past d0 n0t define my present and 0f course I'll n0t all0w my future... but as I gr0w up and discover a lot of things.. I easily give my trust to someone but don't give myself a chance to TRUST myself.. I tend to forget everything and start a new each day. I thought I already did. I thought those were just one bad dream that one day I can't think of but, those always come back, haunt me s0metimes n my dream..it was really a nightmare..I just wanna live al0ne,g0 to a place that n0b0dy knew me.. for I'm s0 afraid being judge being criticize.. H0wever, in the cruel life I had before.. there is one good thing happened ...he came.. and disc0ver I'm als0 real.. But then again it just seems my past define my attitude, my pers0nality especially 0n h0w i c0pe up 0n tings.. But i kn0w there's always a big r0om to gr0w and enough time t0 change. Though I felts sometimes I'm all alone in this j0urney...but depsite all, the things from the past and at present I never cease to give up, that is one thing I have... I never quit and never give up...

I have much m0re faith in HIM.. and in ME...

And there's always be that s0meone wh0 will n0t left me and s0me few true friend wh0 will always lift me up and never let me g0 0n this j0urney.. and wh0 will guide me 0n the right path if i g0 astray...

and who will never ever cease on loving and showing me how much they care....

ps: myBanako, iLOveyOusomuch...

Changing myself is next to impossibility...

Changing myself is next to impossibility...


I don't really agree...

I will be there.... And have much trust to myself that I'll change for there's a life that I always wanted.

a Life set by God for me...

and

I'm sure I'll prove it to anyone who's not trusting me that I'll CHANGE...

and be the right and perfect girl for him....