confused....

I'm confused...

I don't know what to do...
I'm fighting with my heart and with my brain...

My heart tells me I'm not tired doing all the things... but my brain oppose it...

I wanna do things but so afraid and have many fears what are the outcomes... the result...

I wanna rest my heart from the pain it always feels...

I wanna rest...

I'm tired...
I'm tired feeling this way...
so confused and so scared....

I wanna be the one who's brave that can handle anything...
I wanna be the one who's not scared of losing him...
I wanna be the one who's giving him conditions and lectures....
I wanna be the one who's brave enought to show him that I can always exist without him in my world...

But his my weakness... how can I possibly do all these things I have in my head....

But I have to... I need to... If I want him to realize on things... If I want him to miss me much... If I want him to let me feel how I feel....

I have to... I need to.. but I just CAN'T....

huhuhuhu.. what else should I do...
what else I need to do...


I'm tired...

PAST do not define the FUTURE...

I admit I have flaws..
I have s0 many insecurities and issues.. in life and in me...
I'm n0t a perfect girl as 0thers may think I Am.
I'm stubborn and rude.
I want my 0wn ways always.
I understand but tend t0 n0t understand. I'am such a risk taker.
I d0n't care and d0n't mind what 0ther thinks.
I feel worthless and feel pity to myself.

There still m0re 0f negative attitude I c0mp0se 0f.
And f0r all i kn0w the r0ot 0f it defines what happened in my past.
I was blaming my past f0r what I Am n0w.
It was s0 hard when I think 0f what life will I have instead 0f playing ar0und with 0ther kids. Instead 0f thinking 0n l0lip0ps, ice creams nd n0 clases..

And there I was, thinking h0w will I be happy with it, h0w will I live with it and h0w will I forget all of it.

My past d0 n0t define my present and 0f course I'll n0t all0w my future... but as I gr0w up and discover a lot of things.. I easily give my trust to someone but don't give myself a chance to TRUST myself.. I tend to forget everything and start a new each day. I thought I already did. I thought those were just one bad dream that one day I can't think of but, those always come back, haunt me s0metimes n my dream..it was really a nightmare..I just wanna live al0ne,g0 to a place that n0b0dy knew me.. for I'm s0 afraid being judge being criticize.. H0wever, in the cruel life I had before.. there is one good thing happened ...he came.. and disc0ver I'm als0 real.. But then again it just seems my past define my attitude, my pers0nality especially 0n h0w i c0pe up 0n tings.. But i kn0w there's always a big r0om to gr0w and enough time t0 change. Though I felts sometimes I'm all alone in this j0urney...but depsite all, the things from the past and at present I never cease to give up, that is one thing I have... I never quit and never give up...

I have much m0re faith in HIM.. and in ME...

And there's always be that s0meone wh0 will n0t left me and s0me few true friend wh0 will always lift me up and never let me g0 0n this j0urney.. and wh0 will guide me 0n the right path if i g0 astray...

and who will never ever cease on loving and showing me how much they care....

ps: myBanako, iLOveyOusomuch...

Changing myself is next to impossibility...

Changing myself is next to impossibility...


I don't really agree...

I will be there.... And have much trust to myself that I'll change for there's a life that I always wanted.

a Life set by God for me...

and

I'm sure I'll prove it to anyone who's not trusting me that I'll CHANGE...

and be the right and perfect girl for him....