sweet misery

I am not really feeling well this days. It's like I'm tearing apart. I'm broken. Everything around me irritates me. It made me hate everything. It made me questions on things and couldn't find any answers. I wanna scream and shout and let everybody know how it is so hard to be like this. Like you wanted something but don't know how to get it or don't have any choice on achieving it. It's like your dying to be with someone but don't know how for time and distance are separating you apart. I don't have any choice at all in getting what I want. I just couldn't take it anymore the things that I'm thinking. I wanted him to understand things but he have his own business to think about. I don't wanna add up or put more pressures to him, but that's what I'm doing. I couldn't just pretend and let him feel that I'm Okay for surely, he knows me better than anyone else. I just can't smile and lift him up when I'm tearing apart inside. I can't just give him comfort when in the first place I need him to comfort me, comfort me like a baby. I can't just understand him when I'am too broken to understand myself first. And nor that I can't just neglect this all when it's killing me inside. Occupying every corner of my brain, eating it all up. All I wanna do these days is cry, cry, cry and cry 'till I can cry no more. Until my eyes have no more tears to fall. I know this is not healthy of me, but what can I do. Pretend to smile? Pretend to enjoy? Pretend to have fun? that's foolishness. For I tried it, I really tried my very best. The best of the best that I can give just as to pretend to be happy, to try to forget everything. But the feeling makes it worst inside of me. Here I am in the corner of my room, with tears falling while writing this. I wanna be okay. I wanna be back to my normal self, for I know right now I'm in my second worst self. The second worst feeling I can feel.

I know, his up to something these days but I just do hope he can help me back to my normal self. I know his affected with these all damn feelings I have and I'm so sorry for that myBanako from the bottom of my broken heart. I feel guilty about with me also and one day, I can make it up to you. I'm so soory for being like this. You are just the only person that I know can feel and understand on what's happening to me. You are the only person that I know I can run to without pretensions. The only person whom I know can help me back to my own self.

its just that...

I need you...

Sorry for needing you this much, I'll try to help myself with the very best of best I can. I'm still not getting used without you, no matter how hard I tried practicing it. I can make it perfect. Maybe one day, one day. *sigh* d:(

I love you still though... as n much.. mwaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh :*

The night that was....

The night that was...

So, what really happenned last night, why did I cry myself to sleep? Nothing much really but the fact that I think I can't take it anymore.

I wake up with a headache for I was not able to sleep well last night. I was crying my heart out. My sister, was still awake when I arrived home and she then, have a lil chit-chat with me on my room while playing with ace. We then talked for a while about boys, about him and about this feeling I have. But I didn't cry infront of her, for I don't want her to have any idea that I'm really having difficulty with the situation I have now with him. I was pretending to be cool.

After which, I pretended to be asleep for she is still playing with Ace but then, the real truth. I was crying myself to sleep. Even in the office, during my 1 hour break, there are bunch of gays practicing and laughigh but I don't even have the courage to lift my lips to smile. For what I wanna do is cry but trying to stop it coz' I don't want anybody will notice it... the heck, I'm writing my emotion right now... d:(

I was crying 'til I was able to sleep, the result I woke up with a headache.

Nothing had happenned why I cried. It's just that I felt needing him last night most, but he was not able to go online. (already know the reason, but I understand and pretended to not understood it)

I just don't know how I'll control all this mixed emotions and all the question I have. Then, pretend is fine. Pretend everything are alright. I wished I'm like anybody that can just pretend & hide the pains through the smiles especially with him. For I know I'm putting pressures on him and hopefuly *crossingmyfingers* he will understand what I went through. It's just that its so really hard, to wake up each day where you just imagined him also next to you. It's really hard to comfort all yourself without him by my side, comforting me when I needed him too. It's so hard to just close my eyes and imagine him hugging me like it has never happenned.

I know this is just a test of time. I know, but its hard... huuhuhuh... d:(

But still, I don't have a choice. We are separated with time and distance. He is millions apart from me right now.

No choice, even how tired and how much I feel giving up. At the end of the day I'll still find myself falling inlove with him more & more each day...